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August 2019 – Journeying Into Mystery

A High School Journey To Dante’s Inferno

This poem is the result of my ruminating upon my senior high English class at St Bernard’s High School in St Paul. St Bernard’s closed its doors about 10 to 12 years ago. Mr Kolbinger, my English teacher, had us study the first part of Dante’s Divine Comedy: The Inferno. It was a Renaissance nightmare of hellish proportions from whose imagery many heavy metal and death metal groups stole during the 80’s, and, from which horror movie creators continue to borrow.

I must confess that I was watching President Trump speak the other day and I was reminded of a line from the XXI Canto in which a demon bends over and makes a trumpet of his ass (the exact English translation of Dante’s Italian). When we read this passage in class, the whole class erupted in laughter with a sound, which I believed, resembled in volume and tonality, the sound that issued from the ass of the demon. I started to free associate the word, trump, with that of trumpet, and wondered if the root word the President’s surname resembled that of the Italian “tromba” or “trombettista” (trumpet or trumpeter). While I can never know exactly the sound of the fart that Dante described, I hazard a guess that it was as pleasant sounding as what I was hearing on the television.

This poem is not a free association of demon farts and President Trump. I will leave that to you. However, it is a reflection on what I read back in my senior year of high school and how we should heed the words of 14 century Dante in our own 21st century.

A HIGH SCHOOL JOURNEY TO DANTE’S INFERNO

In a high school classroom,
now long vacated,
disused, insects stirring
collected dust its only activity,
we sat, long ago, opening our
copies of Dante’s Inferno.
At Mr Kolbinger’s direction,
we turn the pages
of Dante’s poetic description
of Hell, a downward journey
into Dante’s vision,
painted with the theologies,
the imagery, and colors,
of Renaissance Florence,
his Florentine enemies
strategically placed
and scattered
amidst the nine circles.

We journey alongside
Dante and Virgil, passing
under the sign warning
us to abandon all hope
should we enter, from
which return is impossible,
pass the circle of the unbaptized,
and, the virtuous non-believers,
then those consumed
by lust (among whom
many adolescent boys
saw our own selves),
stepping carefully through
the putrefying recycling
waste of the gluttons,
(are second helpings sinful?)
into the circle of greed,
a screaming horde of
hoarders and squanderers,
bankers and bishops,
misers and the self-indulgent,
addicted eternally to the
acquisition and spending
of untold wealth.

We pause on our journey,
allowing our imaginations
to rest and breathe, before
picking up the staves
of our text books and
continuing our guided tour
by Dante and Virgil.
Then, once more we descend,
Circle Five, a foul smelling
waterway of the river Styx,
ferried over the souls
of the damned,
actively and passively,
consumed by hate,
into the lower depths
ruled by Pluto, the Underworld’s
dark Lord, pass the flaming
tombs of the heretics,
the war makers and
all profiteers of violence,
those shattered by suicide,
and those violators of human nature.
We discover no end to
this Dylanesque Dystopic
nightmare of “Desolation Row”,
and must rest again.

We climb upon the
Reptilian back of Geryon,
the winged monster of fraud,
with his human face,
and scorpion’s tail,
flying steeply, spirally,
down, down, down
into the depths of
panderers, seducers,
flatterers, Renaissance
marketeers selling
Divine Indulgences
and Grace to buying
consumers fearing for
their own eternal souls.
Then to the circle
of grafters, politicians,
then as now, auctioning
their souls and office,
boiling in the tar
of their own greed.
We pass those bent
over by the leaden cloaks
of their own hypocrisy,
the bodies of the damned,
torn and bitten by the
snakes and lizards
of their thievery;
the flamed engulfed
promoters of fraud,
the demonically hacked
and mutilated bodies
of those who sowed
discord; torn eternally
by demons with the
same relish as those
lives of family, religions,
and society they
hacked apart in life.

We take a much needed
respite from the horror
of our journey, reflecting
upon the similarity of
Dante’s Hellish Renaissance
with that of our own Hell.

We then rise upon our
literary journey descending
down past the liars and
the perjurers, the grifters,
and scam artists, to the
vast, frozen lake of the treacherous
damned into an eternity,
encased in ice,
up to their necks.
Among their number,
the betrayers and murderers
of family, friends, and nations;
and, there in their midst,
the greatest traitor of all,
the former angel of light,
betrayer of God all powerful,
with three heads.
Lucifer, consumed by his
own hatred, gnawing
vigorously, viciously, eagerly
in his three mouths,
the heads and bodies,
of Brutus, Cassisus,
and Judas Iscariot.

We carefully navigate
the frozen lake, avoiding
the heads of the damned,
unable to free themselves
from the treachery that
has buried them in the ice,
and climb down the
hairy back of Lucifer,
grasping with great
handfuls the hair to
prevent our own
falling into the abyss.
Down becomes up,
and up we climb,
upward to a distant light,
a light shining from
the classroom, vacant,
empty, a room
emptied of knowledge,
the only thing gathering there,
insects moving through the dust,
settled in piles
scattered here and there.

Dante’s warning to his
Renaissance world is
projected seven hundred
years to our twenty-first century;
the same sins, just a different
century and location,
different players, politicians,
clerics, financers, sinners.
Are our minds as empty
and vacant as this
former classroom, filled
only with crawling insects
disturbing mounds of dust?
Our ears deafened
to the voice of this Florentine
poet of the 14th century?
Are we able to lift ourselves
from the rubble of humanity’s
past, to his vision of Paradiso?
Or, will we find ourselves
only increasing the population
of Florentines’ damned so long ago?

(c) 2019, Robert Charles Wagner. All right reserved.

Reflection on the scriptures for the 21st Sunday in Ordinary Time – 2019

(clip art in the public domain, hermanoleon)

REFLECTION FOR THE 21ST SUNDAY IN ORDINARY TIME, YEAR C

I remember playing a funeral many years ago. The deceased was a man, a member of motorcycle “club” of some notoriety, who had been murdered. As the time of the funeral neared, the thunder of many motorcycles led the procession of the hearse to the church. The choir and I were in the choir loft of the church, having a bird’s eye view of everything. As the procession entered into the church, I remarked that I never had seen so many black leather jackets, with denim vests, assembled ever in the nave of the church.

The members of this club had a reputation of living a lifestyle totally in contrast to the moral principles of the Catholic Church. The pastor at the time, was a priest who didn’t mince words, and I wondered whether his critique of the deceased’s lifestyle and manner of death would be less than pastoral if not altogether harsh. I was also wondering how the choir and I could safely vacate the church in the event that our guests reacted with great displeasure to the words of the pastor.

To my surprise, the pastor was incredibly pastoral and yet still honest. He began his homily with the observation at whom God admits to heaven and who God turns away from heaven. He said, “When we get to heaven we may be surprised at who those are in heaven, whom we thought might never be there. And equally surprised at those who are not in heaven, and we assumed would be there.” He concluded that no living human being knows the state of another human being’s soul at the time of death, and that the mercy of God is far greater than what we may believe. Hence, the point of the Gospel today.

Jesus addresses those who believe that only a select group of people will be admitted to heaven, and all others damned forever. To his audience, Jesus is making it very clear that though the Jewish people of their time consider themselves the “Chosen People”, that, in itself, was not enough to gain entry into everlasting life with God. I think that this is very applicable to all of us today. We see many Christian traditions, Roman Catholic included, among many other world religions, who believe that they, and only they, will be admitted to heaven. Baptism alone, or those saying that they have chosen Jesus as their Lord and Savior, will not necessarily guarantee them a place at the Lord’s table in heaven.

There are people who like to put on a show of piety, much like the Pharisees of Jesus’ time. I question whether the piety of those who visibly put on a show when coming to church is authentic or not. Piety has very little to do whether one is wearing a chapel veil, or dropping to one’s knees to receive holy communion on the tongue. I maintain that if you draw attention to yourself, whether it be by dress, gesture, or posture, it is more about you than it is about God. A case in point is when I was a kid, raised in the Tridentine Rite of the Catholic Church, we use to argue whether it was holier to cross our thumbs or not as we folded our hands in prayer. We knew it was downright unpleasing to God to interlock our fingers instead of folding our hands. How utterly ridiculous that was.

Whether one fold one’s hands in prayer, stands, kneels, sits, is immaterial to God, who is not fooled by false human piety. As the psalmist says in Psalm 51, “For you do not desire sacrifice or I would give it; a burnt offering you would not accept. My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit; a contrite, humbled heart, O God, you will not scorn.” (Psalm 51: 18-19. NAB) In Isaiah, God is more brutal in response to false human piety. “Trample my courts no more! To bring offerings is useless; incense is an abomination to me. New moon and sabbath, calling assemblies—festive convocations with wickedness—these I cannot bear.  Your new moons and festivals I detest; they weigh me down, I tire of the load. When you spread out your hands, I will close my eyes to you; Though you pray the more, I will not listen. Your hands are full of blood! Wash yourselves clean! Put away your misdeeds from before my eyes; cease doing evil; learn to do good. Make justice your aim: redress the wronged, hear the orphan’s plea, defend the widow. (Isaiah 1:13-17, NAB)

Isaiah addresses precisely what Jesus is teaching us today. The “religiosity” or “religious show” of a person or a religious institution liturgically is not enough to enter the heaven. Words are cheap, and religious gestures empty in God’s eyes. Do our actions match our religious gestures? Are we hearing the orphan’s plea, and defending the widow? I remember hearing on the news, a story about Pope Francis I. A child, whose atheist father died, was upset that his father might not go to heaven. The Pope responded to the child to not worry. The Pope told the child that many atheists will enter heaven before many Christians. God’s mercy is unlimited.

Abraham Lincoln once reproved a man who stated that the Confederacy would fail because God was on the side of the Union. Lincoln told the man, “It is not a question as to whether God is on our side or not. The question is, are we on God’s side?”

Did the murdered biker, whose funeral I played, go to heaven? I don’t know. And it is not for me to know, or for that matter, judge. However, I hope he is in heaven. For I am as in much need of God’s mercy as the man who died. As Jesus made abundantly clear at the conclusion of the Gospel today, “And people will come from the east and the west and from the north and the south and will recline at table in the kingdom of God. For behold, some are last who will be first, and some are first who will be last.”

Remembering my Dad on his 104th birthday

A familiar photo of my Uncle Ed, on the hobby horse, and my dad.

Today is my dad’s 104th birthday. He died on November 13th, 2004. When he was diagnosed in January 2004 with another faulty heart valve, he opted not to have surgery. He had had a heart valve replacement done when he was 80 years old. The heart surgeon told him that in having another heart valve replacement at 89 years would not guarantee more years, nor would his life be made all that easier. Dad, being a mechanical engineer, knew well how parts wear out. He told the surgeon, “What the hell! I am 89 years old. I won’t live for ever.” Rather than suffer the discomfort of another long recovery from heart valve replacement surgery, he rather more quality of life instead. He died of congestive heart failure 11 months later.

Of all the men I could admire, my father was the one I admire the most. He is my greatest hero. He was a man of great integrity and compassion, something demonstrated when he was very young, when he would go and help his mother scrub the floors of the bars in Turtle Creek, Pa so that she could get home earlier. He was a man of great wisdom upon whom the greater family and friends sought counsel. I remember sitting by his bedside right after he died while mom was calling the funeral director and thinking, “Oh my God! The wisdom figure of the family has died. Now, I am the wisdom figure of the family. Boy! everyone is so SOL.”

A picture of dad walking me in the middle of the night. Because mom was unable to nurse, us kids were bottle fed. Dad often opted to get up with us in the middle of the night so that mom could sleep.

Because in the Church calendar, August 21 is the feast of Pius X, a man who was really quite the asshole (a lot of money had to pass hands to make him a saint), I generally never celebrate that feast. I instead celebrate the life of someone I consider a true saint, my father who is twice the saint Pius X ever was. Here is a poem I wrote for my dad on the 100th anniversary of his birth.

FOR MY DAD ON HIS ONE HUNDRETH BIRTHDAY

I feel you hovering around me,
your presence, your spirit,
a feeling, like fingertips
lightly grazing the skin.
Ten years have passed
since you shook off
the coils of this world. 
Your presence is not
some ethereal spirit
condemned to haunt a
place of past transgression,
but more that of a father,
connected forever to the
ones that he loves.

I feel you the strongest
when complexities clutter
my life, my mind seeking
communion with yours,
calling out to you as a
frightened child cries out
for comfort in the predawn
hours following a nightmare.
Staring into the bathroom
mirror I search for your
face, in the creases on
my forehead the crows feet
around my eyes, longing
to hear your voice
praying a blessing over me
as you did for me
for so many years
before I would go to bed.

Formed and shaped by
your DNA, yet, as each
snowflake is created
distinctly different and beautiful
by our loving Creator
I realize that I am like you
and so unlike you,
similar yet never quite the same.
Gratitude born long before my birth,
I rejoice in having walked
alongside you for fifty-two years,
a man of great faith, dressed
to the “T’s in integrity and dignity.

Many look upon your image
and call you “iron man”,
one who has been tested
and proven worthy,
one able to bear life’s
great and heavy burdens.
For me, you will always be
“my dad”, devoted to God
and to his family.
One who loved
me into existence.
Happy Birthday, Dad.

© 2015. The Book Of Ruth, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

One of the very first songs I composed was for my dad. Here is that song (very Chopinesque).

(For my dad on his birthday) Psalm Offering 1 Opus 1, (c) 1974, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

Happy birthday Dad!

Upon A Relistening To The Chichester Psalms

From the time I was a child, I was transfixed by musician, composer, and conductor, Leonard Bernstein. I use to watch his “Young People” talks on television about music. As I grew as a musician, and formally studied music in college, and played his music (the Prologue to West Side Story is extremely challenging), I only grew in my admiration of his skills as a composer.

Chichester Psalms, was commissioned by Chichester Cathedral in West Sussex for a big musical festival in 1965. Bernstein set parts of Psalm 108, 100, Psalm 23, Psalm 2, Psalm 133, and Psalm 131 in their original Hebrew to music. He scored the composition for treble voice (boy’s voice), SATB choir, and small orchestra.

I remember going to the local Music Land (an old record store chain) and buying an album of Bernstein’s music conducted by Bernstein. He was still the musical director of the New York Philharmonic. The recording had two musical works, his Third Symphony (Kaddish), composed in memory of President John F Kennedy, and his Chichester Psalms. There have been certain albums I wore out listening. This is one of those albums. It has been probably about 10 years since I listened to it last. I listened to it again, last night and was as captivated by it as I was back in 1970 when I first bought the album. It was this repeated listening that was the catalyst for this poem.

UPON A RELISTENING TO THE CHICHESTER PSALMS

Lenny.
Can I call you Lenny?
One of America’s
most celebrated musicians,
composers, conductors,
at home in musical theater,
ballet, and concert hall,
emerging into the public eye
with Ginsberg, Kerouac, and Bruce,
blazing new creative trails
into the American consciousness,
upsetting many an applecart,
and barbequing many sacred cows.
Psalms, why the psalms?
In Hebrew, no less?

Musical commissions, the
composer’s payday, always
a good motivation, but
the Psalms really? Well
I know them, praying them
morning, evening, and night,
studying them in seminary.
Psalms, a musical prayer
arising from the conflicted,
shredded souls of their
authors, singing from
the ashes of their self-defeat
and despair. A calling upon
a power beyond their control
for healing, for companionship,
for readmittance into a
relationship of trust and love.
Imploring for triumph over
enemies, thanksgiving for
favors granted, and
humble acknowledgement
of their own smallness and
powerlessness in a world
born of cruelty and greed.

Mighty composers, too
numerous to mention
have set these ancient
words to music. Monks
to Mozart, Bach to Britten,
have made their attempts,
some I have chanted,
others I have sung, or
directed from the podium.
Why is it, Lenny that you,
only you, have succeeded
in painting notes, rhythms,
melody, orchestrations,
and voices to so move
my soul, to so stir my
heart so as to hear
God’s voice in their midst,
and dare to reach out
to touch God’s face?

Does this music arise
from your own mortal
soul, as broken and conflicted
as mine, keenly aware, that
in spite of awards, accolades,
and fame heaped upon you,
your significance is as great
as a flower, whose petals,
dressed momentarily in splendor,
will lose their allure, fade,
droop and drop to the ground dead?
Did Ruah, Sophia, Spiritus, or
some other manifestation of Spirit,
inspire and guide your hand,
musically painting each word,
each sound, with the tone
color of the Divine? Or,
am I merely projecting my
own musical prejudice
upon your musical score?

They matter not, these questions
posed to a soul long gone.
Were I to stand at the foot
of your grave and whisper
them to the inanimate matter
beneath its surface, I would
still hear only silence. The
Psalmists are correct, we all
flower and fade and go back,
reuniting with the earth
of our origin.
But Lenny, these Psalms,
these Chichester Psalms are
like a beautiful flower,
pressed between the pages
of a book. They wait only
for the book to be opened,
to be watered with musicians,
and be heard, reborn,
to their formal beauty.


(c) 2019. The Book Of Ruth. Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved

Journeying To The Diaconate – a poem

September 24, 1994, the day of my ordination. My daughter, Beth, Ruth, myself and my brother, Bill.

JOURNEYING TO THE DIACONATE[1]

It all started with a farmer.
A humble man, hardworking,
prayerful, seeing God
present in the soil, the
sprouting seeds, the
animals, the wind,
sunshine and rain. The
cycle of life that governs
life on the farm, always
displaying to his eyes
the abundance of God’s grace.

Now, the sower of seeds,
clothed in alb and stole,
sows the word of God,
to those gathered for Mass,
and among the lives of
those confined to home,
hospital and nursing home.
He is Christ personified
As the Servant of God.

Little did he know the
seed he sowed in my life,
slowly germinating, pushing
seeking God’s sunshine,
like the seeds he sows in
his fields during Spring.
As the seed grows, I
seek after God’s light
not just in seminary
classrooms and incense
scented church naves.
Rather, God present
in all of God’s Creation,
a chord in Copland’s
“Appalachian Spring”,
the smile of an infant,
the comforting of the
abused and bereaved,
the stories of the broken.

And, now, the joy and
ordeal of Formation,
with you at my side,
my Ruth, and our
diaconal brothers and sisters,
I kneel before the bishop,
placing my hands
between his, his hands
now imposed on my
bowed head, and don
my alb and stole,
as a servant of
The Servant of God.

The homeless man
in my communion line
approaches me, “The
blood of Christ,”
extending the cup of
wine to him. Draining
half the cup, he smiles,
“Amen to Jesus!” my
ministry now beginning
not to the well off and
the pietistic righteous,
but to the broken, the
poor, and the seeker.

© 2019, The Book Of Ruth, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.


[1] Deacon Len Shambour the farmer/deacon remains for me a tremendous permanent deacon. I directed the music at his “first” Mass in the late 1970’s. He and his wife, Ellie, are the epitome of the deacon couple. Getting admitted into diaconal formation is an involved process, with many interviews, a perceiver’s test, eight hours of psychological testing, meeting with a psychiatrist, and finally meeting with the selection team. Ruth and I did this twice. The first time on our way up for the final interview, Ruthie told me she was not ready for this. Beth was still very young, and so in our meeting with the selection team, we removed ourselves from consideration. We were invited to reapply by the team. A couple of years later, we reapplied and were selected. Beth was 10 years old when I was ordained. Life, as a deacon, has been quite the journey for Ruth and me. I always maintain that were it not for the sexism of the Church, Ruth would have been the one ordained to the permanent diaconate. Hopefully, under Pope Francis 1, this will become a reality for the wonderful women of our Church.

On Fire – a reflection for the 20th Sunday in Ordinary Time, year C

clip art from hemanoleon

REFLECTION FOR THE 20TH SUNDAY IN ORDINARY TIME, YEAR C

Hopefully, none of us have experienced actually being on fire. I remember a long time ago, when Ruthie was preparing supper, her sleeve caught on fire. She moved immediately to the living room and rolled on the carpet extinguishing the flames before they could harm her. When people catch on fire, they have got to do something about it. Today, Jesus tells us that he has come to set the earth on fire. He wishes the earth was already blazing and experiences anguish until it is accomplished.

Jesus stating that he has not come to establish peace but division, knows that when the Word of God confronts the Sin of our world, peace will not be the immediate result. Sin will not capitulate to God’s Word without a great struggle. There are going to be a lot of people who will want to hold on to the greed and division of our world and oppose the Gospel of Love.  There will be division. That division will split families, cultures, and religions. Judaism at the time of Jesus was bitterly divided with many different factions within the religion fighting one another. And those enslaved to the world will do everything they can to silent God’s Gospel of Love.

A case in point, the prophet Jeremiah. Jeremiah was probably one of the most reluctant of prophets. Every time he opens his mouth to speak against the behavior of the Israelites, he gets into trouble. He once complained to God that he wants to keep his mouth shut and to just be left alone. But the fire of prophecy burns within him so greatly, that to get relief, he has to speak out against the sins of the people. In today’s reading, people plot his death for speaking out, throw him in a cistern, then abandon him to starve to death. Jeremiah’s plight is no different from that of Elijah, who was always on the lam avoiding death at the hands of King Ahab, or that of Elisha. Jesus’ cousin, John the Baptist, spoke out against King Herod, and ended up arrested and executed.

Jesus tell us today, that as his disciples, he wants us on fire with the Gospel. He doesn’t just want us sitting around and doing nothing about it. He wants us out in the world spreading that fire, like the prophets of old But he doesn’t want us to think that it will be a cake walk for us. He wants us to be aware that being on fire with the Gospel carries with it, consequences. We will have people, some of them family members, some of them neighbors, some of them members of our own religions who will oppose us, and oppose us openly. They may make our lives very difficult, but we should not be faint of heart. The Gospel will prevail.

The author of Hebrews tells us that first need we will need to address the conflict, the opposition that we will experience within our lives. Each one of us have weaknesses, prejudices and sins that will want to extinguish the fire of God in our lives. We must face these and with the power and strength of God, overcome them. Then, as we move forward allowing the fire of God to fill our lives and begin to live it in word and action, we will need to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus. As Jesus was victorious over the Sin of the world, so we, too, will experience that same victory.

Jesus calls on us today to be on fire with the Gospel. If we are truly on fire with the Gospel, then we must respond not passively, but actively do something about it.

THREE POEMS ON THE BIRTH OF MY DAUGHTER, BETH

Ruth and Beth on the day of Beth’s birth.

I have wanted to compose a series of poems about my daughter, Beth. I present three poems here.

The first poem is an account of Beth’s birth. Because Ruthie’s pregnancies were largely without any problem, it was always the birth’s that were challenges. Beth’s birth followed in grand tradition with the rest of her siblings.

NOT QUITE AN AFTERTHOUGHT

Not quite an afterthought,
but like all her other siblings,
a surprise. Is it any wonder,
my beautiful Ruth, you
are pregnant again? So
wonderfully beguiling,
our fertility such that
undressing at the same time
in the same room, your chances
of pregnancy increase tenfold.

Together, a fourth time, we
make this familiar journey,
praying for an easy pregnancy,
a safe birth, and a healthy baby.
Expecting a Christmas Day birth,
some trepidation accompanies
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day
liturgies, the birth of Jesus taking
on a new level of anxiety.
The Christmas Holidays come
and go, till the eleventh of
January arrives, and with it
our lovely daughter.

The moment arrives, and
we take our familiar positions.
I watch our child be born,
the doctor exclaiming,
“Nurse, weigh this kid.
I almost dropped it!” Your
eyes silently command,
“Follow her.” In silence,
I follow the green gowned
nurse holding our child.
The doctor sutures up
the passage of our baby,
your eyes engage mine.
“What is it?” “A girl.”
“How much did she weigh?”
“Eleven pounds.” A pause,
comprehension settles in,
followed by, “That’s it!”

© 2019, The Book Of Ruth, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

Beth and Santa Bear

With the birth of Beth, our family grew to six members. My salary of $10,000 a year working at St Wenceslaus could not sustain our family. We were already living under the poverty level of a family of four. I began to work at St Hubert in Chanhassen making $18,000 a year, the difference was trading a round trip of four blocks a day to a round trip of 50 miles a day. I worked at St Hubert for 20 years. Ruthie, got relicensed and went back to work as a registered nurse, working full time night shifts, something she has continued to do up to October of last year. That way one of us were always at home with the children. This poem recounts this change that occurred with Beth’s birth, and three year old Meg, becoming, in essence, Beth’s surrogate mother.

TWO MOTHERS

Four children, a family of six,
our finances strained,
I swap two blocks
for twenty-five miles,
a compensation paid for
increase of salary. Survival,
our constant companion,
compels you to don your
nurse’s uniform and work
night shifts to keep food
on our table, a roof over
our heads, and doctor bills paid.
You sleep, when you can,
Between children’s naps
And school day schedules.

Our three year old, Meg,
wearing the mantle of surrogacy,
mothers our new born, Beth,
when your eyelids feel heavy,
teaching her the needed
child skills, potty training,
kitchen utensils, walking.
Under Meg’s tutelage, Beth
thrives and excels,
a sisterly bond still in
place today, though, not
often publicly acknowledged.

© 2019, The Book Of Ruth, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

Beth’s graduation from high school. (from left to right) Me, Beth (holding new born Owen,) Andy, and Ruthie.

The third poem is about Beth, singing a solo at her senior high school concert. I wasn’t too sure what she was going to sing, till she came out on stage in a formal gown and sang Gershwin’s masterpiece, “Summertime.”

SUMMERTIME

The auditorium lights
dim, the hall encased
in shadow. A spotlight
draws our eyes to an
elegantly dressed girl,
standing in a long,
flowing, black gown.
The opening strains
of Gershwin’s “Summertime”
play and she begins to sing.
Her beautiful tones soar
drawing our souls
to the height of the auditorium
to gently float, descending
in graceful arcs, an aural
caress of our senses.

Darling daughter,
born with a song
in your heart.
Strains of “Mommy
Good Girl,” rendering
“Somewhere Out There”
in keys normally out
of reach for mere humans.
Your life has been an
opera, singing what most
normally say, a recitative
of your life. Early morning
duets with sister, Meg,
chasing your older brothers
to school, your combined
voices following them to classes.
Fearlessly independent,
not afraid to defend your
family with words and fist.
Your Aunt Mary’s tenacity,
a part of your DNA, always
persevering in spite of
obstacles known and unknown.

This night your reveal your
heart to me, your poor
father, my heart moved
and melting with each
sung word, remembering
when I held your infant body
close to my heart
and pledged my life
to your forever.
The closing strains of
Gershwin’s masterpiece sound.
A pause, the musical silence
Of a half note’s length,
then thundering applause
as I weep openly with joy.

© 2019, The Book Of Ruth, Robert Charles Wagner. All right reserved.

Reflection on the occasion of my 67th birthday

Mom bringing me home from the hospital.

Yesterday, I celebrated the 67th anniversary of my birth. I am still stuck in my chair, convalescing from a broken ankle, hopping with the aid of a walker to the bathroom, to my chair, and to bed. Ruthie bemoaned that I had a “suckie birthday”. The truth be told, it was a wonderful day.

I had the opportunity to edit a collection of poems I composed in 2011 about when I began to court Ruth up through the first year of our marriage. I spent the whole day with Ruthie, who is a birthday present to me everyday. She went out and got me a burger from the Fishtale Bar and Grill (the best place for hamburgers in New Prague). While she was waiting for the food to take home, she sat in the bar, and Wendy, aka Sugar Momma Bakery, was waiting on her making Ruthie Long Island Ice Teas. When Ruthie told Wendy it was my birthday, Wendy gave her two wonderful cupcakes she had baked. So I had a wonderful hamburger, a wonderful cupcake, a brandy manhattan, a salad for my birthday supper. I told Ruthie, that I had a splendid day. I think I expressed this best on a poem I wrote to Ruthie on the occasion of my 61st birthday.

TO RUTHIE, ON MY 61ST BIRTHDAY

The waning of long awaited days,
time off from long toil
culminating on this day,
my birth anniversary,
my last full day
with you for a while.
Long have you been
the beginning and end
of a dream that began
when first I saw you,
the first day of days
in that high school
nestled along Rice Street.
In you, my beloved,
have I entrusted my love,
my faithfulness, enclosed
within my heart of flesh,
given to you to nourish,
to protect with that of your own,
our hearts as one have grown.
With what could you present  me
that would add
to that already given?
No embellishment could you bestow
 the increase of happiness
within me flow. Just you,
as when first you bade
me sit down beside you,
that first day of days,
ever will I need.
You, the beginning and end
of my every dream.

© 2013, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

The picture above is the one of mom taking me home from the hospital after my birth. Because of the RH factor (something Mary Ruth and I did share), I needed a blood transfusion as a new born infant. I finally came home from the hospital about 6 weeks after I was born. Mom, Dad, and Bill lived in a third floor apartment on South Shore Drive, Chicago. I remember that apartment distinctly, especially the wooden porches/decks on the back of the apartments and the wooden steps leading up to those porches and decks. My earliest memory is that of an infant, on that day coming home from the hospital and being passed around to our neighbors who gathered in Harold Burress’s apartment on the second floor. Harold, I very nice man, smoked and liked beer. He had that smell of a smoky bar on a hot, humid day, stale cigarette smoke mixed in with the smell of stale beer. I remember being passed to Harold and making a fuss because I did not want to be around that smelly, old man. I was soon passed back to the safe arms of my mom.

An old family photograph of mom, myself, Bill, and a most unhappy Mary Ruth on Dad’s lap.

Often times, with my birthday falling on August 12th, my family and I were on our annual vacation to visit family in Pittsburgh. Or, as the picture shows, we would go to a resort for several days. I remember celebrating my birthday in Washington D.C. when we were visiting our cousins who lived in Virginia. It was extremely hot and humid. the Walt Disney show had a program about Johnny Tremain, a revolutionary war tale. I wanted a tri-corner hat like that which the revolutionary army wore. I called it a Johnny Tremain hat. When we visited Williamsburg, that had many actors and shops that resembled Colonial Williamsburg, I got as a present my “Johnny tremain” hat. I was so happy getting that hat. I almost lost it when I stuck my head out the window as we traveled down the highway and it blew off my head. Dad stopped backed up and got it for me (this was when most highways were two lane highways prior to the advent of the freeway). When we got back to Downers Grove, I didn’t wear it too much though. Not many kids in Illinois were wearing Johnny Tremain hats.

The other memory this picture evokes is when mom made me a rubber cake. She was busy putting together the ingredients of the cake, when she was interrupted by something, and when she returned to finish the cake she forgot one ingredient. the consistency of the cake was like that of rubber. You could chew but it was hard to swallow it. We ended up throwing it in the trash. From that point on, mom made us birthday pies.

One last memory. During this time, Catholics always abstained from meat on Fridays. I hated having my birthday falling on a Friday. We often had fishsticks on Fridays to eat. Gad! No amount of tartar sauce makes a fishstick taste good (It is any wonder many Midwesterners hate fish). In true Wimpy fashion, I always wanted a hamburger on my birthday. We would often then postpone Friday birthdays to Saturdays when we wouldn’t have to eat crap on our birthdays.

The windchime birthday present Ruthie got me at the hospital when my left artificial hip was surgically removed because of a MRSA infection in 2011.

As many of you know, in the summer of 2011 I had a left hip replacement that developed MRSA. the infection did not go away. In fact, because of the incompetence of a infectious disease doctor at Fairview Southdale, I almost died from an allergic reaction to vankamycin (he refused to believe I was allergic to the antibiotic) on August 10th, the same date my sister died on. After 2 days in ICU (including the 10th), I went into surgery on my birthday to have my artificial hip replaced. I would not get another hip until late January 2012. When I got out of surgery, hanging on the bar over my bed was this windchime. It was a present from Ruthie. There are a lot of butterflies in the windchime, a symbol of hope and resurrection. She knew the perfect gift to give me on one of the most hard days in my life. We still have that windchime hanging in our kitchen.

My college graduation picture.

I have composed much music as gifts for other people. I have only reserved one of the songs for myself. It is one of my earliest piano compositions. As an aspiring pianist/composer, the German composer Hindemith had a great influence on me. One of my favorite Hindemith compositions was from his piano collection, Ludas Tonalis. Unlike many contemporary composers, Hindemith’s music was not quite as atonal (dissonant sounding) than some of his contemporaries e.g. Arnold Schoenberg (who composed much “serial” or 12-tone music). Hindemith experimented with tonality, but like the composer, Bela Bartok, created very interesting sounding music. The song I composed for myself, evokes the tonality of Hindemith and his Ludas Tonalis.

(In the manner of Hindemith) Psalm Offering 8, Opus 1, (c) 1974, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

God has blessed me with 67 years. I have been so fortunate and blessed in so many ways. The greatest blessing in my life has been Ruth, our kids, and our grandchildren. I have had the great opportunity to perform music professionally for 42 years. I have had the opportunity to created and compose music I truly love, and consider a part of me as “children of mine”. I have studied and advanced educationally, having the opportunity to receive a MA in Pastoral Studies. I have had the opportunity to be ordained a deacon, and serve with and to very diverse communities. I have been an educator. I have had the opportunity to become a spiritual director. My life, in spite of some health difficulties, has been very extraordinary and fulfilled. The last couple of years, with the deaths of some very significant people, and Ruth’s injuries, and now mine, have been challenging. But, like many people, Ruthie and I are not immune from these events. God continues to accompany me and guide me through the tough parts and the joyful parts.

I don’t know how many years still lie ahead for me, which is fine with me. But I am grateful for the life that my mom and dad gave to me, and with Ruthie, has evolved. On my 67th birthday, I know that I have been very wonderfully and greatly blessed.

Reflection on the Scriptures for the 19th Sunday in Ordinary Time, 2019

(clipart from hermanoleon)

Reflection for the 19th Sunday in Ordinary Time, 2019

For those of us who are nearsighted, have you ever had to drive without the aid of your glasses or contact lenses? Our good vision is limited to only what we can see directly in front of us on the dashboard. When we lift our eyes to peer through the windshield, all we see are fuzzy images. To drive this way without our vision corrected by glasses or contact lenses is very dangerous for us and for all who share the road with us. The likelihood of us being involved in a collision or causing harm to others is very great.

Living a faith life that is nearsighted is equally hazardous. If this is the way we live, the readings today should shake up our lives greatly. Our faith lives must be as farsighted as they are nearsighted. The author of the Book of Hebrews states this very clearly. “Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen.” (Hebrews 11:1, NAB)

The Book of Wisdom reminds the Jewish people that their ancestors enslaved in Egypt were given the vision of the Passover, so that they would have the courage to free themselves from their enslavement in the present and to fulfill the promise that God made to Abraham many years before. The reading from the Book of Hebrews, picking up from the first reading, explains how Abraham and Sarah’s faith allowed them to see into the future and believe what would come long after they had passed into history. “All these died in faith. They did not receive what had been promised but saw it and greeted it from afar.” (Hebrews 11:13a-b, NAB)

Jesus calls his disciples to emulate the farsighted faith of Abraham and Sarah. “Do not be afraid any longer, little flock, for your Father is pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your belongings and give alms. Provide money bags for yourselves that do not wear out, an inexhaustible treasure in heaven that no thief can reach nor moth destroy. For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.” (Luke 12:31-34)

We live in a society that is nearsighted. Our happiness is based on only what satisfies us in the present without any consideration for our happiness in the future. This pursuit of short-lived convenience, this lack of vision, this unconcern for a future, fills our landfills, our oceans, our environment with toxic waste, destroying life on our planet. If our faith life emulates that of our society, our eternal life is equally doomed.

The scriptures call us to be people whose eyes and lives are set on the future to come, and to plan and build in the here and now, that future. This is applicable not only for our society, but most importantly to our faith life as disciples of Jesus. As Paul writes in his second letter to the Corinthians, “we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal.” (2 Cor 4:18, NAB).

The Feast Day Of Mary Ruth Wagner

My sister, Mary Ruth.

August 10th is a rather loaded day. Officially, it is the feast of St Lawrence the Deacon. However, the feast I celebrate on this day is not Lawrence’s (enough people in the Church are doing that), but the feast day of my sister who died early on the morning this day from complications of Crohn’s disease. When Mary Ruth died, mom and dad, my brother, Bill, Ruthie and I, and our daughters Meg and Beth, and Mary Ruth’s best friend, Dr. Bob Conlin were present. Bob Conlin cradled her head in his lap as she died.

Our good friend, Eleanor Campbell, and my sister, Downers Grove, IL @ 1957.

I have written much about my sister in the past. Till the time I met Ruthie, Mary was one of my best friends. Ruthie and Mary were sisters to one another.

Mary Ruth and Ruthie, 1970.

Mary Ruth excelled in everything she did. She was an outstanding occupational therapist. She was a wonderful Aunt to my children. As I have written before, she never let her illness get in the way of anything.

Mary Ruth and her pet dog, Nicodemus.

On this feast day of my sister, I present three prayer songs I composed for my sister, Mary Ruth. As you listen to these recordings, you can hear the progression of my composing skills over the years.

This first song, Psalm Offering 5 Opus 1, was composed for my sister in 1973. She was 18 years old at the time. It is a short piece of music, a waltz, composed in the key of G minor.

(For Mary Ruth) Psalm Offering 5 Opus 1 (c) 1973, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

This second song, Psalm Offering 3 Opus 4, was composed for my sister as a birthday present in 1988. It is in the key of F major. It was a handwritten score that I gave Mary back then. Over the years, I lost my own handwritten score. In 2016, going through a tote in which I kept notes and bits and pieces of music I composed, I came across a partial copy of her song. I was overjoyed because I thought I had lost it forever. With the help of a cassette tape recording I made of the song, I was able to reconstruct her song, and then saved it for posterity. The recording is the reconstructed score of her song.

(for Mary Ruth, Psalm Offering 3 Opus 4 (c) 1988, Robert Charles Wagner. All rights reserved.

Lastly, this third song, is a piano reimagined composition of a psalm I composed for Mary in 1990. The Psalm, Psalm 31, “Into Your Hands I Commend My Spirit” is sung in the Good Friday service of the Lord’s Passion. I recomposed this song for Mary in 2018.

(For Mary Ruth) Psalm Offering 2 Opus 9 (c) 2018, Robert Charles Wagner, All right reserved.
Happy Feast Day, Mary!