When my son, Andy, was a baby, one of his Christmas presents was a blue head walrus hand puppet. Not quite 2 months old, his primary interests were those of most infants, nursing, sleeping, and filling his drawers. As a brand new music educator, I taught general/vocal music Kindergarten through 12th grade in a rural school, I was looking for something by which I could entertain the students in the younger grades, at the same time teaching them some music skills. I had always been a great fan of puppets. The puppeteer, Jim Henson, was a god to me. I was a huge fan of Henson and his Muppets, and watched the Muppet Show religiously. I thought I might be able to use Andy’s blue walrus hand puppet in my younger grade music classes to fulfill my purposes.
Buying a second hand infant’s sweatshirt, used Oshkoshbygosh infant bib overalls, and used red mittens, I sewed the head of the blue walrus hand puppet to the neck of the sweatshirt, the bib overalls to the sweat shirt and sewed the mittens onto the sweatshirt and Goofus McNut was born. Though I have not taught grade school music since 1988, many of my former students, many of whom are now in their 40’s and 50’s, still remember and inquire about Goofus McNut.
Goofus lived in the piano bench in my music classroom most of the year. He truly excelled at two key times during the school year, namely, Christmas and Valentine’s Day. On Valentine’s Day, he would write the name of the student mirror backward on the valentine, and then read the name of the student from right to left. Using my name for example, mirror backward my name would appear on the valentine as rengaW boB (being written mirror backwards they would appear correct if held up to a mirror). Then Goofus would read the name out loud as Rengaw Bob. The kids loved it, their teachers hated it. The minute the kids would get back to their classroom, they would request/pester their teacher to go to the restroom so they could hold up their valentine in the mirror and read it. Their teachers had a strong dislike for me at this time of the year.
At Christmas, Goofus would sing his favorite Christmas Carols and the kids would have to correct him when he sang the wrong words. Some of his favorites were “O Come All You Fishes,” “Away in the Freezer,” “Good King Applesauce,” and, “Hark I Hear Old Harold Singing”.
Hear are some of his favorite fractured Christmas Carol lyrics.
“O come all you fishes, joyful and delicious, O come ye O come ye to my tummy. All that I wishes is to eat a lot of fishes, O come to my table, O come to my table, O come to my table, so I can eat you.”
“Hark I hear old Harold singing, heartburn to me he is bringing. Gas and also indigestion, I am in need of medical attention. Here I lie beneath the tree, pain and discomfort, woe is me. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz do I hear, relief from pain will soon be here. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz do I hear, relief from pain will soon be here!” (Thank you Alka Seltzer for the conclusion of the lyric)
Away in the freezer the poor ice cream lay, without any cover all through the day. I love you dear ice cream in spring and in fall, and summer and winter you’re the best of them all.”
“Good King Applesauce looked out on his feets uneven (never quite got beyond this point in the carol).
I only got one complaint about Goofus, but it was more on the amusing side rather than severe. One parent noted that at an early Christmas Eve Mass, their child sang with quite amount of enthusiasm “O come all you fishes,” instead of “O come all ye faithful.” When they asked their child where he learned that carol, he told his parents that Goofus taught it to him.
Is Goofus still alive? Of course, he is. he is 41 years old, the same age as Andy. He’s been living in retirement for the last 20 years. He comes out now and again. He doesn’t come out much in the early spring because he still is paranoid as ever about “killer worms.” He believes that the worms that come up on the sidewalk following spring rain storms are “killer worms.” When you step on them they burrow through your shoes and attack your vital organs. He still is not very fond of “icks” (ticks) and “masqueezos” (mosquitos) because when you squish them they spurt blood all over you. He had a little reconstructive oral surgery to take care of a hole that developed in his mouth over the years. Maybe this year he will once more regale some people with his Christmas Carols.
