This past weekend I had the honor of officiating at the wedding of Danny and Kylie. It had been a very long time since I have been to the chapel at the University of St. Thomas. It has changed much since my undergraduate days in the early 70’s, and my graduate school days in the 80’s. While I officiate at funerals quite frequently these days, it has been a couple of years since I last officiated at a wedding. Here is the homily I gave at the wedding this past weekend.
My wife Ruthie and I were married at 7 pm on December 27, 1974 at St. Bridget of Sweden, in Lindstrom Minnesota. It was a bitterly cold Friday night. The temperature was 24 below zero. As Ruthie was processed up the aisle alongside her father, she looked radiant. I was captivated by her beautiful face, framed by her long dark hair, and white hood. What I was not aware was as they were processing the aisle, her dad told her, “You can still get out of this if you want to. I won’t be mad.” Ruthie just smiled at her dad and kept walking up the aisle. That night was the beginning of an incredible life with someone who has utterly transformed and enriched my life.
The Gospel story of the wedding at Cana is not really about the wedding nor about water being miraculously transformed into wine. It was at this wedding that the world was introduced to a new creation, a new way of being human as Jesus ushers into human history the Messianic era. At the wedding of Cana Jesus began the process of transforming the world. Kylie and Danny, today through the power of the Holy Spirit, Jesus transforms your lives into a new creation. Christ transforms you into being a visible living sign of God’s love to our world. This is visible in the mutual love you have and express for one another. This reflects the mutual love that Christ has for the Church and that God has for our world.
Whenever we celebrate sacraments, we undergo a transformative change that the Church calls “the ontological change.” The transformation occurs very gradually, so much so, that the change that is occurring is barely noticeable. In the sacrament of marriage this ontological change is best described as two become one flesh, two hearts become one heart. Over time it is as if when one inhales, the other exhales. Another way to envision this change is a scene in an old Marx brother movie in which Groucho Marx is dancing with a pretty blonde woman. As they are dancing, she keeps whispering in his ear, “Hold me closer, hold me closer.” Groucho snuggles closer to her. She says again, “Hold me closer, hold me closer.” Again, Groucho snuggles closer to her. She whispers once more, “hold me closer,” at which he says to her, “If I held you any closer, I would be behind you.”
I hadn’t fully realized how close we had become until 2006 when we were separated from each as I was doing 3 weeks of Spanish immersion in San Antonio. The heartache I experienced over that 3 weeks was overwhelming. Even though I was busy learning vocabulary, practicing speaking, listening, and writing skills in Spanish 10 to 12 hours a day, my day pivoted around two significant events: 1) talking with Ruth by cell phone as she drove to work at the State Veterans Home at night (she works fulltime nights as a nurse there), and talking with her by cell phone when she returned home from work in the morning. By the time the last day of class was over, I could hardly wait to get back to the airport and get home to see her. My flight didn’t arrive till later in the evening, and Ruthie had to work that night, so I was fully expecting to be picked up at the airport by my daughter, Beth. My heart leapt for joy when I saw it was Ruth, not Beth, walking toward me at the airport. As we embraced I wept for joy. I was finally complete again.
In marriage we experience the presence of Christ in our spouse. The Jewish Theologian and rabbi, Martin Buber tells us that our relationships with one another are windows through which we look on the face of God. My greatest experience of God is in the person of Ruthie. From her lips I hear God saying to me, “I love you! I forgive you!” In her touch and in her arms I feel God embracing me. As I look into her brown eyes, I see the face of God.
Does all this happen overnight? Of course not, it is a gradual transformation into Divine love. Divine love is not a power over relationship. Divine love is a power with relationship in which both parties mutually and equally share their love with one another. It takes time to learn how to love at this deep a level. You must mutually invite the love of Christ that transforms all lives to be part of your new life together. This mutual love is the foundation of all for which you have been preparing these many long months. Mutually listening to one another in love. Mutually assisting each other through hardships and joys, triumphs and failures, always in love.
In the year 2011, I was on medical leave because of an infection I received when I got a hip replacement. 5 surgeries later, with Christmas approaching, still without a hip and because of my immobility unable to get Ruthie a Christmas present, I decided to start a book of poetry dedicated to her, recounting our courtship, our wedding, the birth of our children and the many joys and hardships we have experienced together. I called it “The Book of Ruth.” I sent it to my daughter-in-law, Olivia, to print out and put together so I could give it to Ruth on Christmas. I have since kept adding poems to this book. I would like to conclude with a portion of a poem I entitled, “Learning How to Walk.”
“To walk with you is
to learn how to love,
each measured step,
a grace-filled journey
to something greater,
far beyond and far better
than the stumbling steps
that I could have
made on my own.
To walk with you,
is to see the
world with different
eyes, colors bursting
through the grays,
warmth on the
coldest of days, your
voice floating, playing
delightfully in the air
alongside until the
sound settles gently,
gracefully in my ears.
We have walked many
steps together in life,
my gait now not as steady,
these days of uncertain
limbs, joints and cane,
reminiscent of my first steps.
In walking with you,
new discoveries never end,
new beginnings
abound, and that
with you, the first
and the finest of
all teachers, learning
to walk is never
fully learned.”
Kylie and Danny, as you process down this aisle as a married couple, you begin your walk today as a couple transformed in Christ’s love. You will walk many steps together, through good times and bad times, through challenges, through triumphs, through heartaches, and through joys. May the love of Christ transform your lives today. And may that Divine love through you transform the lives of all you meet from this day forward. May God bless you with many years of walking together, always learning to be the presence of God in our world.
